use on bitching glorfie


I have come to the conclusions Glorfie is either:

a) dead
b) hates me and doesn't want to come back
c) really really really dead
d) deader than dead
e) really fucking dead



I think poor little Absinthe was devastated, he tried to shove a goblin in his mouth. :(

I'm going to weep now.
  • Current Music
    "My Death" Foof Muffin *sobs*

Give him back already!

Ok, so yesterday was supposed to be a completely normal day, you know- dress up like an idiot, dress the kids up in really adorable identical outfits, show off our nifty pumpkin, get lots of candy, right? NO! Glorfie goes outside for like one second or so and gets KIDNAPPED! And then they want me to leave a pint of blood and a bag of Fritos for them!

Well I gave you fuckers a QUART of blood and I'm kind of woozy from like bleeding alot until Ingrid saw the blood and burned my wound closed, AND I gave you your fucking bag of Fritos!


If I don't get him back soon, you will be very sorry. I will find you one day and I will train my children and pets to eat the flesh off of you fuckers slowly and painfully.

So, PLEASE give me my husband back! Pretty pretty pretty please?!

P.S. - Sauron, the azaleas were beautiful! :)
  • Current Music
    damnit, where is he?

(no subject)

I can't fucking take it anymore!!!

Ever since Glorfie got pissed at me for the damn orcs thing and demanded that I get a job, I've been looking. Of course I wasn't very happy with that, the thought of leaving the twins with a complete fucking stranger did not appeal to me so I aruged with him for about a day over that until he suggested having Goldberry watch them temporarily. Well, Goldberry is Goldberry so I couldn't argue with that.

Then I began looking for a fucking job just so I could go through a fucking day without him being even more sarcastic than usual and sending me death glares if I even mentioned orcs.

So Steve decided to try to help me look for work. We end up going to this nightclub thing, Steve said they were desperate for help and took me directly to the owner. I thought they needed a bartender or something but instead he said they needed dancers. So I asked, "Um, like those dancers with the feather boas and sparkly red heels? I don't do red heels."

In which he replied with. "Nah, kid. I mean nude dancing."


"We prefer to call it the exotic art of perverted dancing."

So, I left. My next stop was some housecleaning business, everything was fine until they pulled out the damn uniform.

"It's an apron." I said.

"Mmm hmm."

"Well, where the fuck is the rest of it?!"

The man rummaged around for a bit and finally handed over a hat. "There!"

"That's it?!"

"Mmmm hmm."

I left there also. I came across some scummy diner that needed waiters. I walked in and abruptly walked back out. The waiters were wearing these rainbow colored foil looking short shorts and roller blades. Um....... no, not doing that.

So, I was even more pissed off. I was contemplating strangling someone when approached by some stupid kid asking me if I would like to be in movies. I told him I already was so fuck off, but he persisted said he was a made films and I was wondering where I heard that fucking line before when he suggested me being the star of a very adult film. I snapped! I left and walked all the way to the nearest fucking bar.

And do you know what I did ladies and gentlemen? I got fucking DRUNK! So incredibly smashed that I don't have any recollection of what I've done for the past two days, JUST LIKE FUCKING OLD TIMES. LOOK AT ME I'M THE BIG FUCKING DRUNK ONCE AGAIN!!! All I need is Finduilas and I'd fucking be living in the damn past!


Or maybe I can do a live autopsy! Yes! And make jewelry out of their organs!


I'm going to shoot myself now.
  • Current Music
    die fuckers! diedieDIEDIEDIE! Make the monkies stop laughing
cel pretty

Two entries in one day, la la la

Stupid orcs.

Upon all the shit that happened while moving to and getting settled in Mordor, the orcs have harassed me constantly. It started with mild teasing, then it escalated into throwing stuff at me and soon after they got ballsy enough to pull my hair. I've come to two conclusions one (as my father used to tell me) they find me repulsive and will kill me shortly, or two, they find me attractive. I believe it's the former.

One day while I was outside with the twins, letting the goblins use the outdoor restroom, I was approached by two of my tormentors. I put the babies inside, then noticed these were the same fuckers that buried me in my backyard. I tried yelling various obscenities, threatening them with a chainsaw, ritual sacrifice, torture and poison, and even threatening to sic Glorfie on them. They just stood there in mild amusement, and even looked strangely interested when I mentioned something about mutilating them during necrophilia. They eventually told me to shut up and thanked me for the ten bucks they scored (apparently I was buried in the yard on a bet to see if I could get out or not, they were the only two who thought I would.)They told me their names were Steve and Richard.Interesting names for orcs. Then they invited me out for a couple of drinks. Even though I was still pissed off and suspicious as all hell, it's not in me to refuse a night of liquor consumption.
So Ingrid played with the twins (she's a very good harpymander, I trust her with my life.) while Steve, Ricahrd and I got drunk downstairs. It's amazing how orcs can't hold their fucking liquor.
Glorfie came home by the time I was already slightly drunk. He looked pissed and said stuff that I can't remember. The last thing I remember is passing out after I was moved to a new location, my clothes somehow removed, to the sounds of Steve throwing up in the bathroom.
Anyway, Steve and Richard were talking about some stash and TPing people's houses. I'm going to ask Glorfie if they can crash in our living room. :)
  • Current Music
    .... Um, nothing
cel pretty

Heart failure..soon, very soon

Ok, so we arrived in Mordor.

And I am pissed off.


Well, let me fucking tell you why...the stupid fucking movers nearly broke everything that were labeled or to be labeled "Fragile". Lamps were shattered, picture frames, glasses and plates were smashed, and a bunch of my pretty new skull decorations that are supposed to go in the yard have been completely demolished. But that isn't what really gets me, oh precious fucking porcelian kitten figurines are all broken. ALL OF THEM! Even the really cute ballerina kitten :( It took a whole bottle of Jack and one whole day crying over my loss for the pain to ease.

The trip to Mordor was hell. The babies, usually very very good children decided they were going to cry. the. entire. fucking. time. I fed them, changed them, read them their stupid baby books, acted like a complete moron to give them some form of entertainment, tried even encouraging them to pull out my nipple ring and CAUSE ME COMPLETE FUCKING PAIN JUST SO THEY COULD BE HAPPY BECAUSE ERU FUCKING KNOWS HOW MUCH THEY ENJOY SEEING ME HURT..but they still cried. (Although Kubrick did manage to give a half-assed attempt to rip my nipple ring out but apparently I seemed to have displeased him with my mediocore whimper.) Anyway, point is they wouldn't stop until they fell asleep. Then Ingrid my beloved harpymander had to be caged during the trip and she was just not pleased, so she starting fucking shrieking and thrashing about making my goblins go schitzo and the little bastards decided to jump around all over the place and one even nipped, an already annoyed, Foof muffin's ankles. Of course Glorfie kicked the poor little thing and even though at that point even I was wishing the little fuckers were being eaten by Buzz, I had to stick up for them (it's the cute big shiny eyes that fill with tears can you not stick up for them?) so that led to an argument which somehow led to me grooming Tangerine and wanting to kill myself for lack of anything else helping get rid of my steadily growing migraine.

And then I was glared at by Andronicus. >_<

Then there's the apartment. It smells like orcs. I hate orcs, Absinthe hates orcs, Ingrid hates orcs and Kubrick hates everything.

I'm still not speaking to Glorfie...well, much. So far I've managed to be mad at him for like 30 whole minutes and keep my angry face on.

Great, fucking goblins keep RUMMAGING THROUGH THE FUCKING BOXES!!!

I'm going to have a heart attack.
  • Current Music
    ...fucking goblins...damn orcs...
cel pretty

The pointless rambling of Celeborn, whoo

We are moving, possibly to Mordor..Glorfie has shown interest in going there so I figured why not? Besides it would save me the trouble of having to redecorate everything, anyway, the boys need a role model and rather having them become fixated on some stupid singer or band that sounds like they're recycling the same song over and over again, I'm giving them a head start on idolizing someone with history...they can model their ways after Sauron. That way they won't be driven to alcoholism, having two mothers leave them and become a fucking breathing accessory and such. No, I want better...let them make the whole fucking world live in terror and stuff like that.

Which led me to throwing all the earlier reading material I bought to read to the boys before bedtime away, it's utterly useless and stupid. The Adventures Of Sammy The Fluffy Bunny isn't going to teach them anything, nor even provide an ounce of entertainment, indtead (and to not dramatically change anything on them) I stuck to Sammy stories, only now with titles such as: Sammy Gets Skinned, Sammy Is Stew, and Sammy Dabbles In Satan Worship. Absinthe doesn't like the new reading material sadly, he spends most of the time crying.. Kubrick has shown remarkable interest, he's drooled and even attempted choke-holding the stuffed Sammy toy I got him. However both of the boys enjoy the genius that is Edward Gorey, the man makes incredible alphabet books!

Glorfie has been a little cranky lately..he's been like that ever since he went to go help Eowyn when she declared war. I think he didn't kill as many people as he intended :( Poor foof muffin. But, hey, Glorfie!!! Guess what? That thing you like.. I dyed it black, so I can wear it tonight ;)
  • Current Music
    ..I guess I'm not dead. Fuck.
cel pretty

The fucking butterflies have been destroyed

They are finally dead, thank fucking Eru, now I can finally have a social life being going out and getting piss drunk with Finny... I'm allowed to have a few fucking drinks after my Hitchcock-esque experience, besides there was a drink I hadn't had during my entire time as an alcoholic.

While Glorfie and I were making the mother of all pesticides, we must've brought on severe damage to the house. The walls were a disturbing shade of blue, it was so.... colorful it was almost sickening. I can't believe I would actually paint something that hideous shade, black is so much more powerful, so much more expressive.

Also, I'm thinking about a new rule..anyone caught trampling any of my flowers will be taken inside and if they can't give a good reason on why they should live after tea, they're going to be killed and put on a pole to set an example to all the other heartless flower killers.

It's also disturbed me that we really don't have a family night or anything...I've been thinking about different options and have decided that a family Cult night sounds good. Blood sacrifices sounds like an ideal way to get closer together.

Must go, my wardrobe needs cleansing. Fucking orange?!
  • Current Music
    squealing pigs